Pockets of Sanity

What Tiger Woods Should Really Say

As you may or may not know, Tiger Woods will be in my neck of the woods (hee!) tomorrow to issue some kind of statement about his future.  It is Tiger's first public appearance since being turned into a CGI attack victim on Asian television and he will only be reading a statement.  No questions will be allowed.

So what's he going to say?  There's no doubt that it'll be carefully constructed PR spin to help rebuild his "image" and he'll apologize to his family, friends, sponsors, fans, and the PGA Tour.

And it'll be complete bullshit.

Tiger Woods doesn't want to apologize for being Tiger Woods.  Tiger Woods doesn't want to go to sex rehab.  And quite clearly, Tiger Woods doesn't want to be married.  Tiger Woods wants to play awesome golf and bang hot chicks that look like Barbie dolls.  The only apology he should have to make is to his wife and kids, and that apology should simply be that he's sorry he fell into society's trap of making people feel like they should settle down and do the marriage thing.  He should be sorry that he promised her a monogamous relationship, because it's not what he wanted.

I mean, it's perfectly clear Tiger never had any interest in monogamy.  By all accounts he was cheating on his wife seconds after the honeymoon.  He was cheating on her every chance he got.  And yes, it's a shitty thing to do to his wife since certainly they had no agreement that he could do anyone he wanted whenever he wanted.  If he wanted an open relationship then he should have married someone who would have allowed it.  Problems solved.

But now he's going to go the spin route and apologize to us all.  Like I said, the only people he should apologize to is his family for selling them a misrepresented bag of goods.  He should get divorced, pay his wife off for his mistakes, and then get back to kicking ass at golf and taking names in hotel suites in Vegas.  A blanket apology tomorrow is even more embarrassing and dishonest than what got him to the press conference in the first place.

RIP Marilyn Chambers (1952-2009)

Famed adult film star Marilyn Chambers was found dead in her home in the Canyon Country area, authorities said Monday, and an autopsy was pending to determine how she died.

The 56-year-old Chambers, whose real name was Marilyn Ann Taylor, was found dead around 9 p.m. Sunday in the 16000 block of Vasquez Canyon Road, said Assistant Chief Ed Winter of the coroner's office.

"She probably died of natural causes," Winter said.

Winter said an autopsy would be done Tuesday or Wednesday.

Chambers broke into the porn industry by appearing in the 1972 film "Behind the Green Door," which was the first widely released pornographic film in the United States.

Her appearance in the film cost the then-aspiring model and actress her job as Procter & Gamble's Ivory Snow detergent girl, appearing on the soapbox with a baby and the caption "99 & 44/100% pure."

The Providence, R.I., native had a bit part in the 1970 Barbra Streisand film "The Owl and the Pussycat," but after establishing herself as a pornographic film star, she was never able to break into mainstream films.

So why am I mentioning a dead porn star?  Well, Marilyn Chambers wasn't just any porn star.  She was the first porn star.  Okay, my first porn star anyway.

You see, back in the days of my long gone youthful innocence, Showtime used to air porn.  Edited down porn, but porn nonetheless.  Sorry mom, I know I always asked permission to stay up late to watch Friday Night Videos and Saturday Night Live, but I was actually watching Showtime instead.

Late nights on Fridays and Saturdays seemed to be a regular rotation of a Sonia Braga movie called Lady on the Bus, various Emmanuelle flicks, and Marilyn Chambers' Up 'n' Coming (aka Cassie, as it was known on cable), where she played a country singer looking to hit the big time.

Being the student of film that I was, I watched Cassie every single time it was on.  Hell, I probably could still recite every line of dialogue from that film, like I can with Star Wars, Ghostbusters or Star Trek II.  I'd yet to gain access to my first actual porno, and so even this heavily edited version was 100 times more enticing than sneaking a peak at Porky's or The Last American Virgin or any of the other 80s sex comedies that played on cable around that time.

Okay I'll stop tap dancing around what I really want to say here.  Marilyn Chambers was fucking hot.  Hot to where you could have plucked her out of the 70s and dropped her into today's porn scene and she would have not only fit right in but would have been a megastar all over again.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have something to Google search on my iPhone and will be taking a little private time.  Rest in peace, Ms. Chambers.

Now that I've lost all sympathy for her...

...this then becomes freakin' hilarious.

RIP George Carlin

Comedian and actor George Carlin passed away yesterday in California from heart failure.  He was 71 years old.  For further details, read the Yahoo News story...

I won't even attempt to summarize Carlin's career or his impact on comedy.  The pre-written obits from the wire services have pretty much accomplished this.  All I can really say is... George Carlin, in his prime, was a funny motherfucker.  One of the funniest.

And I only add the qualifier "in his prime" because after the death of his wife in 1997, the tone of his act changed.  Understandably, he got bitter and mean, and it clearly came through in his stand up routines.  Sure he could be mean in his earlier shows, but it was a playful meanness.

His 1992 HBO special Jammin' in New York, to me, was the pinnacle of Carlin's stand-up act.  My favorite bit he ever did came from that show, and I'm linking to it below.  Who knows how long it'll stay online but enjoy it now while you can.  The video eventually starts to go out of sync, but you can just listen to it and you'll get it all just fine.

Too Soon?

William Shatner is Canadian

The Return of Pee Wee Herman

Paul Reubens aka Pee Wee Herman was arrested on July 26, 1991 for indecent exposure in a adult movie theater. He quickly became a punchline for late night talk show hosts and seemingly disappeared from the spotlight.

On September 5, 1991 he made his first public appearance since the arrest at the MTV Video Music Awards, to thunderous applause.

Actor Heath Ledger Found Dead at 28

As you no doubt have heard by now, actor Heath Ledger has died at the age of 28 of either suicide or an accidental drug overdose.  Foul play is not suspected.

The Australian born actor was widely introduced to American audiences in 10 Things I Hate About You, one of the best teen comedies of the 1990s and easily in the top 2 or 3 "loose" adaptations of William Shakespeare's works.

Ledger made other entertaining flicks along the way, including The Patriot and A Knight's Tale... two films that I enjoyed a great deal in a total "shut off your brain" kind of way.  His co-star in The Patriot, Mel Gibson, issued a statement regarding Ledger's death:

"I had such great hope for him.  He was just taking off and to lose his life at such a young age is a tragic loss."

Of course Ledger is best known for his Oscar nominated role in Brokeback Mountain, the widely praised "gay cowboys eating pudding" movie that yes, I've yet to see.  But not for the reasons you might think though.  For the same reasons I haven't seen movies like Titanic yet... the hype machine was so out of control for the film that I have to let that subside before I can give it a completely open-minded chance.

Ledger had recently completed filming on the new Batman sequel The Dark Knight.  It'll be interesting to see how this affects its release.

In a rather disgusting side note to this story, the idiots from the Westboro Baptist Church (the people who protest at the funerals of gay soldiers) issued a press release stating that Ledger is now in hell where he belongs and calls for protests at his funeral.  Assholes.

Ledger leaves behind a 2 year old daughter from his former relationship with actress Michelle Williams.

The Tom Cruise Parodies Begin

What I'm Thankful For: Jennifer Connelly in This Month's Vogue