For some unknown reason I've committed myself to watching every Steven Seagal movie ever made. You would not believe the inhumane chore this has become.
Let me just put this as bluntly as possible: Steven Seagal is a fat, lazy douche of an actor who can't seem to be bothered to show up half the time and usually won't even loop his own dialogue in post-production. Could he kick my ass in a fight? Probably. But he'd only do the talking and then his stunt double would do the actual fighting.
I'm sure that'll further enrage all of you who like to leave me pissy notes on my YouTube videos of Seagal, but it is what it is. He has not made a great movie since 1996's Executive Decision, and since he had little to do with that movie's awesomeness I'll go further back and say he hasn't been good since Under Siege in 1992.
Random Quote: Anthony Hickox, who directed Seagal in 2005's Submerged, had this to say about Seagal's amazing work ethic: "He is a nightmare! He's impossible; he doesn't turn up, he refuses to say any line that's written, it's just ridiculous. I sat back when I was making it and said 'I'm a better director than this' so I went back to what I like to do, which is write and direct horror."
Between 1996 and this film though he's made over *15* films, all of which suck in some way, shape or form. Today You Die is one of the Seagal movies where they pair him up with a rapper (in this case, someone named Treach) because you idiots made Exit Wounds (co-starring DMX) a minor box office success.
Seagal is playing a modern day Robin Hood of sorts, stealing from criminals and then giving to charity (while also pocketing some cash for himself). He also has a girlfriend with psychic powers, but that's not worth talking about since it's not even relevant in the movie itself.
He's hired by Kevin Tighe of Road House fame (Dalton must have been unavailable) to drive an armored car, which turns into a heist. Seagal is forced at gunpoint to elude the cops, but he's able to knock the gunman unconscious. But then he proceeds to murder half a dozen cops for no real reason. He goes to jail, escapes jail, people want the money, which he's hidden but doesn't remember where, etc. Over the course of the film he manages to get into fights with everyone in sight over the age of 65.
This is the kind of movie where Seagal and girlfriend, rolling into Vegas, pass a children's hospital that has a sign out front saying "Going Out Of Business". Really? A hospital would put up a sign like that? Are we supposed to stop and buy some sick kids at discount prices? Also, actress Lesley-Anne Down shows up in the film's final scene playing "Bank Manager". Wow.
Still, it's not as bad as On Deadly Ground, which will forever be one of the worst vanity projects ever made.
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