Pockets of Sanity

TV Edits... You Gotta Love 'Em

Nightmare Worlds: Death Warmed Up (1984)

Official NIGHTMARE WORLDS Synopsis: A deranged scientist is on a remote island working on his experimental brain procedures on human test subjects.  Unfortunately, many of the patients suffer side effects from the procedure that transforms them into murderous zombies.  Arriving on the island is a group of youths that include the son of the scientist's chief rival.  Years before the mad doctor had hypnotized the youth and had him murder his own father, so the young man has come to track down the scientist and make him pay.

This is a horror/zombie/something flick from New Zealand, and while I didn't have much of a clue as to what the hell was happening in it, I found it strangely compelling thanks to some interesting visuals.  What doesn't make sense is why this guy bent on revenge drags his friends into his plan, when he could have just done everything he does in this movie alone.  The movie needed some redshirts, I guess.

I am torn on whether this movie gets a pass or not.  Like I said, it was definitely watchable.  But fuck if I know what was going on in it.  And so, even though this set is the only way to see this film on DVD, I think I'm going to have to vote no.  Maybe if the visuals had been in a more interesting movie...

2 for 5.  40% success rate.

Worst Movie Scenes of All Time Returns

In case you don't follow me on my Tweetiespaces or Faceyblogs, I've returned to the world of YouTube after an extended break and have revisited my Worst Movie Scenes of All Time series.  Episode 19 features a clip from the 1984 trainwreck Rhinestone, a movie which isn't as bad as most make it out to be, but still contains a handful of scenes that suck hard.  This is but one of those scenes.  Why Stallone, why?

If you like the movie Twilight...

...you might want to have yourself checked for severe mental retardation.  That is all.

Next time on the completely insensitive Pockets of Sanity: Why those of you supporting the Michael Bay machine should be put to death.  Join us!

Dear 1970s, WTF was your deal?

Over the last week or so I've taken a trip back to the 1970s to enjoy various pieces of 1970s entertainment.  Okay well, I wouldn't say enjoy.  Read on, you'll see.

First up, a movie called Van Nuys Blvd. which is all about the whimsical fad of cruising.  You know, that thing you do where you just drive up and down a street, slowly, honking and waving at other people who are driving up and down the street honking and waving at people.  Now for about 15 minutes it felt as though this was going to be a late 70s update of American Graffiti, but then all the cruising was completely abandoned for go cart racing and beach volleyball and various other not-a-care-in-the-world activities that just made me hate everyone involved with this movie.  Seriously, this movie is just a bunch of slackers on vacation.  But, there are plenty of glorious 70s boobs on display.  Which is nice.  There's also a guy named Chooch.

Cruising up and down Van Nuys Boulevard was popular from the 1950s until just after this film was released, when police started cracking down on the activity and it died a quick death.  Coincidence?  You decide.

Then there's Roller Boogie, which I can't be too hard on because it stars Linda Blair looking as yummy as ever.  She's a rich kid about to go to Juilliard, but instead she wants to leave it all behind so she can learn how to roller boogie and compete in the big roller boogie dance-off at the local roller rink with a guy sooooooooooo good he plans on roller skating in the Olympics.  Even though there is no roller skating event in the Olympics.  Yeah.  Meanwhile, thugs want to close down the skating rink and build one of those infernal mini-malls in its place.

This might be the first instance where I've been firmly on the side of the snooty parents in the whole "I just want to do this crazy, impulsive thing instead of the normal thing you want me to do" argument.  Knowing that roller skate dancing, a minuscule subset of regular roller skating, was such a specific fad that died out probably while this movie was in post-production just had me screaming at Linda Blair to, you know, pursue her stuffy music career.  Roller boogie-ing clearly didn't pay anyone's bills, in retrospect.

And then I stumbled upon a total nightmare... Paul Lynde's Halloween Special from 1976.  As my bride pointed out to me as we were watching this trainwreck, it's totally ironic how people who loved and adored Paul Lynde over the years are the same people fiercely fighting against gay rights and gay marriage.  I mean, seriously, did you people not know?  Really?  The man was the poster child for gay.

So this variety special features a number of 1970s stalwarts including Tim Conway, Florence Henderson, Betty White, oh and of course, KISS.  Don't even get me started on you people who thought that a bunch of kitty cats and star children were the epitome of cool.  In it are bad joke after bad joke to the point where you stop staring at the screen in disbelief and start chuckling at how amazingly unfunny it is.  Try it for yourselves...

But now to be fair to those of you I've offended with my criticisms of the stupid, fartface 1970s today, I made a brief pitstop in your precious 1980s too on my way back to present time and tried to enjoy Joysticks.  In it, sweaty Joe Don Baker tries to shut down the local video arcade because his annoying-as-fuck Valley girl daughter won't stop hanging out there.  Boobs o'plenty here, but dear lord is this flick embarrassingly stupid.  Particularly how the "heroes" want to make the case that video games are just good, clean harmless fun but yet the film keeps showing people in the arcade with some serious mental issues.  Slob comedy at its worst.

The two top-billed actors (after the glorious and glistening Joe Don Baker, that is) are Leif Green and Jim Greenleaf.  Mind.  Blown.

What the Puppy Has Been Up To Lately

Destroying toilet paper by the roll.  Yay.

Nightmare Worlds: The Alpha Incident (1977)

Official NIGHTMARE WORLDS Synopsis: A Mars space probe returns to Earth and brings with it a microorganism from the red planet.  While transporting the microscopic alien life form by train, there is an accident and the microorganism is unleashed.  Exposure to the alien virus forced four strangers into quarantine while government scientists rush to find a cure.

Director Bill Rebane is also responsible for The Giant Spider Invasion, one of my favorite Mystery Science Theater 3000 episodes.  That movie had a sticky film of ickyness all over it, and I'm guessing that must be Rebane's calling card since The Alpha Incident also made me want to take a hot shower for a few days.

That being said, the film is watchable.  Not the best compliment, I know, but keep in mind what it's competing with in this box set.  It's a thinly veiled rip-off of the dramatic elements of Night of the Living Dead, right down to the ending.  But the characters are creepy, and quite frankly I didn't care what happened to them.  Decent enough though... I'd give it passing marks, again keeping in mind the films it has to compete with.  Bonus points for George "Buck" Flower in the cast, doing his thing.

2 for 4.  Back up to 50%.

Nightmare Worlds: Doomsday Machine (1972)

Official NIGHTMARE WORLDS Synopsis: An upcoming space mission to Venus becomes even more vital after a startling secret is revealed.  Foreign agents have revealed a secret plot by the Chinese where they have manufactured the ultimate weapon, capable of destroying everything on the surface of the planet.  The mission to our sister planet now becomes a fight for the survival of the human race, as the crew must now try to save the Earth from destruction.

Okay, that description isn't exactly accurate.  Let me give it a shot instead.  A crew of seven well-trained men (keep that well-trained tidbit in mind) on a mission to Venus learn that the government is replacing three of them with female counterparts for "top secret" reasons.  Once underway, it's revealed that the women were brought on board to potentially repopulate the human species if necessary, since the Chinese are about to destroy Earth with an insidious "doomsday machine".  Then they ACTUALLY destroy the world.  Not just a nuclear holocaust or anything mind you, but the planet literally explodes into chunks and sparks.

The film is quite hilarious for a while because of the rampant sexism and just ludicrous behavior of the male crew.  Within minutes of their launch into space, the crew immediately starts stripping down and taking showers and bumping into each other awkwardly and all sorts of other "sexy" nonsense.  Again, keep in mind that all seven of these people are trained scientists and astronauts.  Everyone keeps acting like they've never seen the opposite sex before.  Then one of the dudes just immediately goes into rape mode for no reason, laying claim to one of the women and violently groping her lady business.  This is before there's any hint of the world going kablooey.

Something even stranger happens late in the film though.  With about 10-12 minutes remaining, it becomes clear that there was no final reel and instead someone came along later and attempted to shoot a finale using one dark set and none of the original actors.  I seriously thought I'd fallen asleep and awoken suddenly in an entirely different movie.  It's one of the most bizarre things I've ever seen.  And it's not as if it's a good ending either.  It's clear that whoever came in to "fix" this had about 5 bucks to spend, and no script.  Most of it is just us watching two astronauts fiddle with some controls in the dark.

Now, as soon as this thing ended, I hit the internets to find out exactly what the hell had just happened.  What I learned was that the film was shot in 1967 but they ran out of funds and it was shelved.  Then someone came along five years later and attempted to complete it.  Why?  I have no idea.  This does help explain why along the way some scenes just seem to stop with no transition into the next, and perhaps why the stock footage used for the space ship shows completely different ships throughout the film.

I also learned that the Cinematic Titanic guys have done their take on this one, and while I'm more of a Rifftrax person, this'll definitely be the first CT disc I pick up.  I can't wait to see their take on this debacle.  In fact, I'm off to order it right now...

1 for 3.  33.3%

P.S. You can even watch the full film online at YouTube, hosted by Elvira!

Nightmare Worlds: Alien Species (1996)

Official NIGHTMARE WORLDS Synopsis: A fleet of UFOs is circling the Earth and a top scientist races to discover their true intentions for the planet.  When the UFOs begin an attack on Earth, the scientist finds himself thrown in with a sheriff and his deputies transporting some prisoners to jail.  The unlikely group is forced to seek shelter from the attack in a nearby case, not knowing how significant the location is to the alien's plans.

I was wrong.  This project is going to suck and suck hard.

Alien Species is an unwatchable, shot on video ripoff of Independence Day with no interesting characters and even less interesting situations.  Laughable acting and special effects that scream "Commodore Amiga!", but worst of all it's dull, dull, dull.  I lasted about 45 minutes, and holy lord was it a struggle.

1 for 2.  50% isn't a bad ratio I guess...

Nightmare Worlds: Alien Contamination (1980)

Official NIGHTMARE WORLDS Synopsis: A cargo ship from South America drifts into New York City harbor and the police board the vessel to discover what happened to the crew.  Finding the crew dead, apparently from their internal organs bursting out of their torso, the police discover the reason for the crew's deaths were some mysterious eggs in the cargo bay.  Hoping to find the source of the eggs, the police officer heading up the investigation tracks down a former astronaut who was part of a Mars mission that went horribly wrong.

I've somehow managed to see this Italian sci-fi film three times now, each time under a different title and one of those viewings I think was even hosted by Elvira.  Luckily though, Alien Contamination isn't a bad film at all.  Sure it's a little silly in places (the end monster is so goofy looking) but in others it's downright creepy and atmospheric, and it features an absolutely terrific score by Goblin.  The menacing, almost taunting sounds the eggs make before they're about to burst open are haunting.

Director Luigi Cozzi is billed in this version as Louis Coates, because all foreign names must be changed for American audiences, even though the entire film is clearly dubbed.  Anyway, Cozzi is also the director of the abysmal Star Wars rip-off Star Crash, but I'm impressed that as spastic as that thing was, Alien Contamination is well paced and entertaining in a GOOD way.

The print used for this set is widescreen but isn't anamorphic.  It's in pretty rough shape too, and there are no closing credits for some reason.  I'd say the set is even worth having just for this flick, but it's also available on its own on a very nice remastered anamorphic disc from Blue Underground (which just calls the film Contamination) that looks and sounds much better, and even has extra features to boot.  The Mill Creek version (which is the American version released by Cannon Films) runs 83 minutes, while the Blue Underground disc is the full 95 minute version.  It's worth a look... definitely check it out.  Take a look at the trailer below, which for some reason tries to show the entire movie, but also features some of Goblin's cool score music.

But yeah, we're 1 for 1 so far.  Wow.  Maybe this project won't suck after all.  

Nightmare Worlds: A DVD Nightmare

Recently I purchased Nightmare Worlds, the el cheapo 50 DVD megapack of public domain horror/sci-fi shitfests from Mill Creek Entertainment.  This is one of MANY public domain compilations Mill Creek has released on DVD.  But, $15 bucks for 50 movies?  How could I resist?

The set is basically a cardboard box with velcro "latches" to keep it closed.  Inside it's like a hollowed out book with 12 double-sided discs housed in cardboard sleeves.  Not the greatest DVD set, but hey, it was cheap.

So since I am a total glutton for punishment and enjoy wading through garbage sometimes in hopes of finding a true unknown gem, I'm going to watch all 50 of these things.  And I'm going to blog them, just for you.  Perhaps you'll get a laugh at my misery.

Here's a list of the truly terrible flicks I'm going to endure:

Alien Contamination
Alien Species
Alien Zone
All The Kind Strangers
The Alpha Incident
Atomic Rulers of the World
Attack from Space
Beast of the Yellow Night
Counterblast
The Day the Sky Exploded
Death Warmed Up
The Doomsday Machine
Embryo
End of the World
Eternal Evil
Evil Brain from Outer Space
Frozen Alive
Fury of the Wolf Man
Good Against Evil
House of the Living Dead
How Awful About Alan
Idaho Transfer
The Lost City Part 1
The Lost City Part 2
The Lost World
Maciste in Hell
The Manster
Menace from Outer Space
The Mistress of Atlantis
Night Fright
The Nightmare Never Ends
Panic
The Phantom Creeps
Piranha, Piranha
Prisoners of the Lost Universe
Purple Death From Outer Space
Radio Ranch
Return of Dr. Mabuse
Ring of Terror
Robot Pilot
Shadow of Chinatown
Star Odyssey
Terror at the Red Wolf Inn
They
This is Not a Test
UFO: Target Earth
Unknown World
The War Game
Warriors of the Wasteland
Werewolf Woman